Sunday, October 22, 2006
An Open Letter to Really Fat People: Buy Two Seats
October 32, 2006
Dear Really Fat People:
I write this letter not to be mean, not to unnecessarily single you out, and not to embarrass you. To be honest, I'd rather not have to write this at all. But unfortunately, circumstances have made this letter necessary. I have just one message for you: If you don't fit entirely within your own airplane seat, for the love of god, buy two damn seats.
Don't get me wrong--I'm a rather rotund individual myself. I have no axe to grind with fat people of any size. But the difference between you and me is that I manage to squeeze myself into my own coach seat, and you don't.
I also take no position one way or the other as to whether obesity is a disability that should be accommodated by the airlines. That's between you and the airlines (although the current state of the law does not require airlines to accommodate obese passengers with two seats). But I do know that it should not be my problem (as my dad says, "don't make your problem my problem!"). I paid for my seat. You paid for your seat. Nothing entitles you to take part of my paid-for seat without my permission and without compensating me.
To the giant man on my jetBlue flight from Oakland to Boston this past summer, what the hell's your problem? Even if you couldn't buy two seats, what on Earth made you decide to choose a middle seat! You made me (on the aisle), and the lady on the window miserable for the entire 5-hour flight. Your chest-level fat roll and first stomach-level roll were wedged into my arm. Your enormous arm was resting over my damn shoulder and side. Your butt's lower fat roll also encroached at least two inches under the armrest into my seat. As you were all over me and the lady in the window seat, we were sweating our asses off. The flight attendant saw this and brought us each icebags to put on our necks! In short, this was my worst flight experience ever. You should have bought two seats!
To the enormous (but short) woman on my American flight from Miami to San Francisco a year ago, even though you were very sweet, if you had any manners, you'd have gotten yourself two seats also. You encroached into my space, too.
But what's worse is that it seemed as though there were areas of your body that were beyond the reach of whatever cleaning apparatus you use in the shower. As a result, you smelled horrible. Like terrible cheese. Limburger cheese. Wrapped in a homeless man's undies. That's so unfair. Next time, darlin', get yourself a second seat.
So let's agree on this: If you don't fit in the area bordered by the inside edge of the armrest, ya gotta get yourself another seat.
Very truly yours,
Cletis Walkman
Dear Really Fat People:
I write this letter not to be mean, not to unnecessarily single you out, and not to embarrass you. To be honest, I'd rather not have to write this at all. But unfortunately, circumstances have made this letter necessary. I have just one message for you: If you don't fit entirely within your own airplane seat, for the love of god, buy two damn seats.
Don't get me wrong--I'm a rather rotund individual myself. I have no axe to grind with fat people of any size. But the difference between you and me is that I manage to squeeze myself into my own coach seat, and you don't.
I also take no position one way or the other as to whether obesity is a disability that should be accommodated by the airlines. That's between you and the airlines (although the current state of the law does not require airlines to accommodate obese passengers with two seats). But I do know that it should not be my problem (as my dad says, "don't make your problem my problem!"). I paid for my seat. You paid for your seat. Nothing entitles you to take part of my paid-for seat without my permission and without compensating me.
To the giant man on my jetBlue flight from Oakland to Boston this past summer, what the hell's your problem? Even if you couldn't buy two seats, what on Earth made you decide to choose a middle seat! You made me (on the aisle), and the lady on the window miserable for the entire 5-hour flight. Your chest-level fat roll and first stomach-level roll were wedged into my arm. Your enormous arm was resting over my damn shoulder and side. Your butt's lower fat roll also encroached at least two inches under the armrest into my seat. As you were all over me and the lady in the window seat, we were sweating our asses off. The flight attendant saw this and brought us each icebags to put on our necks! In short, this was my worst flight experience ever. You should have bought two seats!
To the enormous (but short) woman on my American flight from Miami to San Francisco a year ago, even though you were very sweet, if you had any manners, you'd have gotten yourself two seats also. You encroached into my space, too.
But what's worse is that it seemed as though there were areas of your body that were beyond the reach of whatever cleaning apparatus you use in the shower. As a result, you smelled horrible. Like terrible cheese. Limburger cheese. Wrapped in a homeless man's undies. That's so unfair. Next time, darlin', get yourself a second seat.So let's agree on this: If you don't fit in the area bordered by the inside edge of the armrest, ya gotta get yourself another seat.
Very truly yours,
Cletis Walkman
Comments:
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I hope Airline Bottomline will continue its hardhitting brand of journalism. Can we expect a brilliant expose on the scandal that is called airline snacks?
# posted by 
: 9:25 AM
: 9:25 AM
Hey, Cletis Critical Cloud readers want to know how to handle one of the most delicate airline seating situations: you're flying Southwest or another open seating carrier and you see a really good looking woman trying to decide what seat to take. How do you send out the vibe that makes her sit next to you?
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# posted by : 9:29 AM
: 9:29 AM << Home
