Saturday, November 04, 2006
PROJECT METAMUCIL: Time to Get Rid of the Boarding Area CLOGGERS
They know who the hell they are.
And we know who they are.
Now the time has come to remove the scourge of CLOGGERS from the airline boarding process!
You know who I’m talking about—they’re the people who are so goddamn eager to get on the plane that, even though they’re in the last friggin boarding group (6.02 E23, or 3 E8, or whatever), they still feel compelled to clog up the area of the gate where the people who are supposed to be boarding are queuing up. These are the people who bought the $79 round-trip ticket, so they have the shittiest seats on the plane, but they still feel entitled to get on the airplane before all of the chumps in their boarding group in order to seize the last remaining overhead bin for their Buy-Five-Boxes-of-Pop-Tarts-and-Get-a-Free-Rolling-Suitcase suitcase.
To help you better understand this abomination, I’ve commissioned a highly-technical, to-scale diagram (see below). The people are all in red. But the CLOGGERS are shown in red, highlighted in yellow. Notice how the CLOGGERS effectively prevent the legitimate boarding passengers from flowing through.
What ends up happening with the CLOGGERS is that if you’re in boarding group two, and these cretins are all standing around the queuing area, you never quite know if they’re in the real line or if they’re just CLOGGERS. It makes the boarding process so much more frustrating and time consuming (“excuse me, are you in line?” “No.” “How ‘bout you, are you in line?” “Nah, just waiting.” Etc…). You get the picture.
So what’s Project Metamucil? The object of the Project is to loosen the flow of passengers onto flights by dislodging the frustrating CLOGGERS from the boarding line. To help things flow better in the boarding area, I propose that we revolt against these CLOGGERS by engaging in some civil disobedience.
To start with, try some misdirection. Look at them and say, “I think they called your name at the podium.” They will ask you, “how do you know?” Your response should be, “what’s your name? It looked like the gate agent pointed at you and must’ve called your name.” That should start off the fun.
Next, try some thinly-veiled sarcasm. Say to a CLOGGER, “are you in line?” When (s)he responds in the negative, say (with a smile), “oh, I should have known that you weren't in line by the way you were standing in the middle of the aisle, blocking everyone from getting by you.”
Physical attacks work too. “Accidentally” run your rolling suitcase over as many CLOGGER toes as possible on your way through the CLOGGER swarm.
Revenge is sweet. Once you’ve made it to the ticket-taker, tell the ticket-taker that the gentleman in the sleeveless NASCAR shirt (or whatever the worst-offending CLOGGER’s wearing) has a very strong and objectionable body odor. Even though they’ll eventually let Ernie Earnhardt on the flight, he’s gonna get some “special attention” from the snippy get agents and snippy ticket-takers first.
In short, we must do something to stop the CLOGGER epidemic. Project Metamucil is our only hope.
Please keep The Airline Bottom Line posted as to your successes and failures.
Good luck. And Dog Bless.
Comments:
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Hey, Walkman, or whatever the hell your real name is, it's America-haters like you that are turning the whole country over to the terrorists. When one of them towelheads walks in with TNT strapped to hisself, it will be cloggers like us try to stop him while commies like you are peeing in your pants at the Ambassador club. Get off your high horse and sit in the Hooters and eat chicken wings like a real American.
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# posted by 
: 11:39 AM
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