The Airline Bottom Line

• First guy in, select a urinal on the end. This way, the next guy can select the urinal on the opposite end and be as far away as possible.
  
• Third pisser in a dividerless urinal situation must select a urinal in the very middle of the urinal bank. Subsequent pissers in such situations are to apply the same principles to maintain maximum urinary separation.

B) NEVER engage your neighbor in conversation, unless you have at least three urinals between you and your fellow conversant. If you are drunk, the horizontal separation can be reduced to two.

C) Eyes forward or up at the ceiling. Why do some people look down? Resist temptation to thread your stream through one of those little holes in the urinal. Looking down is just weird.

D) Wear flip-flops at your own risk; studies done by the PUI (Public Urinal Institute) show that 8% of urine becomes airborne upon contact with the urinal. See the wee-wee pond beneath each urinal for evidence of this fact.

NORMAL URINAL SITUATION (W/ DIVIDERS):

A) If you see a friend in the bathroom, maintaining maximum horizontal urination separation is less important. In any case, maximum separation is always a nice thing.

B) Conversation with people you know is ok in this situation.

C) Ideally, one should look up or look straight ahead. But if you're one of those people who must monitor situations down below in the urinal, it's acceptable in this situation if you absolutely must do it.

DEFECATION:

A) Almost anything goes when one is forced to evacuate his bowels in a public toilet.

B) After you leave the stall, you must ensure that you leave no evidence that you'd been in the stall engaging in a heated game of Texas Don't Hold 'Em. In other words, don't poo on the seat or floor, flush, and keep flushing until all choo-choo tracks have been erased.

C) In small bathrooms (3 or less urinals or 2 or less stalls), a pooer in a non-emergency situation is required to wait until all is clear in the bathroom prior to emitting any substantial sounds. This rules is waived for Excretory Emergencies, obviously.

D) Non-pooers are not permitted to make eye contact with pooers either on their way in or out of the stall; permit them this moment of privacy.

E) No inter-stall communications are permissible while one engages in an evacuation unless arrangements have been made in advance by both parties (in writing, preferably, with the seal of a notary public).

GENERALLY APPLICABLE RULES:

A) Do NOT contribute to any pee-pee ponds underneath any urinal; it is every man's obligation to society to reduce and eliminate such puddles. Why should one be forced to track the pee of every inconsiderate ass in the world around on the bottom of his shoes?

B) Wash your hands afterwards, for the love of god.

C) Don't touch the door handle (if there is one) on the way out of the bathroom, ESPECIALLY if you've violated rule (A) above.

D) Peaking at another guy's contraption is NEVER permissible; if that's your cup-o-tea, so be it. Just save the peepshow for somewhere else.

# posted by Cletis Walkman @ 1:49 PM