Thursday, December 07, 2006
In-Flight Flatulence (Digestion Post # 1)
This past Monday, American Airlines was forced to divert its flight 1053 bound for Dallas/Ft. Worth to Nashville because of an incident involving in-flight flatulence.
That's right--farting caused an airplane to have to divert.
Some passengers on flight 1053 smelled lit matches, became concerned, and reported the smell to flight attendants (lighting matches onboard an airplane is prohibited). The flight crew requested and made an emergency landing in Nashville. After the 99 passengers were removed from the airplane, bomb-sniffing dogs found evidence that somebody had been lighting matches inside the passenger cabin.
After lengthy questioning by the FBI, a woman passenger admitted to having lit the matches. She told the FBI that she had lit the matches to "conceal the odor" of her "troubled digestive system." The woman was released without charges, but forbidden to re-board her flight. American Airlines "has banned her for a long time," said a Nashville Airport Authority official.
Thankfully, this incident brings to the forefront an incredibly important issue relating to air travel: How does one politely and considerately conduct the Intestinal Symphony in Poo Minor while on an airplane?
I've checked with the guru of manners, Ms. Emily Post, to discover the appropriate etiquette under the circumstances. Quite surprisingly, Ms. Post has not addressed this issue before. I guess this leaves the resolution of travel tooting to me.
That's right--farting caused an airplane to have to divert.
Some passengers on flight 1053 smelled lit matches, became concerned, and reported the smell to flight attendants (lighting matches onboard an airplane is prohibited). The flight crew requested and made an emergency landing in Nashville. After the 99 passengers were removed from the airplane, bomb-sniffing dogs found evidence that somebody had been lighting matches inside the passenger cabin.
After lengthy questioning by the FBI, a woman passenger admitted to having lit the matches. She told the FBI that she had lit the matches to "conceal the odor" of her "troubled digestive system." The woman was released without charges, but forbidden to re-board her flight. American Airlines "has banned her for a long time," said a Nashville Airport Authority official.
Thankfully, this incident brings to the forefront an incredibly important issue relating to air travel: How does one politely and considerately conduct the Intestinal Symphony in Poo Minor while on an airplane?
I've checked with the guru of manners, Ms. Emily Post, to discover the appropriate etiquette under the circumstances. Quite surprisingly, Ms. Post has not addressed this issue before. I guess this leaves the resolution of travel tooting to me.
- First of all, during the 24-hour period before your flight, stay away from all foods that traditionally cause gas, like Mexican food, peppers, cheap beer, kugel in any form, Vietnamese food (no matter how tasty it may be) any sort of "mix" plates (e.g., including barbecue mix plates, Nick Tahoe garbage plates), and beans in any form.
- Ideally, an in-flight fart should be performed within the (sticky-floored) confines of the (wee-wee covered) airplane bathroom. This is one of the reasons that Cletis always recommends that travelers choose the aisle seat, to facilitate a quick and easy exit. Most airplanes adequately ventilate these bathrooms so that your flatulence is sucked up and stored in a special tank, later to be used as air freshener for city buses throughout the United States (but primarily in San Francisco).
- When you can't get near your designated toilet (due to beverage service carts or long lines for the bathroom), don't be bashful about heading to the first class bathroom to toot. If the snippy flight attendant in first class blocks your entry, step into the forward galley and let 'er rip. That'll teach 'em.
- Similarly, if you can't get into a toilet in time because of a queue outside, step right into the rear galley and move your methane there. At least the flight attendants are used to the stink and already despise passengers, so you've got nothing to lose.
- But when you've reached DefCon 1 and you know you're not going to make it to a toilet, your strategy wholly depends on the fabric of the airplane's seats. If the airplane has the (dirty, germ-ridden) fabric-covered seats, make sure you've got a good seal between your tush and the seat, and pound that sucker deep into the cushion (in the industry this is known as the "deep drive" technique). Trust me, it ain't gonna matter much, seeing as those cushions are made up of three parts flatulence and one part fabric, anyhow. Your only concern, however, should be if the cushion has reached its maximum fart capacity. If so, although the cushion will absorb your emission, it could dislodge a long-ago deposited stink from the days of yore. You'll release a horrific, well-aged stink that will eclipse the smell of whatever you drove into the cushion, and you'll get no credit from your neighbors for your efforts to follow appropriate etiquette.
- The worst possible scenario is when you've reached DefCon 1 on those airplanes with leather seats. The leather is not cut-cheese permeable, so the deep-drive technique will not work. In a pinch, I suggest that you get up, go BACK in the aisle, and let it go near some other folks. Make a quick return back to your seat, and so long as it's not a trailer, your neighbors will never know.
Comments:
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As someone who has had to stifle many a burst, I can emphathize with the poor woman. I've gotten to the point of just letting er rip as the carts are going by. That way, people will think its the ever helpful yet bossy and stinky flight attendants. :-)
# posted by 
: 2:31 PM
: 2:31 PM
Ever get those farts that just follow you back? I do. So waiting for the bathroom just doesn't work as then, there's a trail from the bathroom all the way back to your seat. Is there a scientific explanation for why it trails you????
# posted by : 2:32 PM
: 2:32 PM
I find the roar of the engines allows me to actually add a little 'oomph' into my flatulance on board flights. Not only can I release the gas being built up from a stressful day of travel and crappy food, but also get to have a little fun seeing if the people sitting next to me have noticed.
# posted by : 4:39 PM
: 4:39 PM
Dear Cletis:
Would you also address the often related occurrence known as "hershey squirts"? This is a very difficult medical condition requiring the utmost delicacy when seated on an airplane.
Dr Seymour Butz
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Would you also address the often related occurrence known as "hershey squirts"? This is a very difficult medical condition requiring the utmost delicacy when seated on an airplane.
Dr Seymour Butz
# posted by : 10:50 AM
: 10:50 AM << Home
