Wednesday, December 13, 2006

 

A Protocol for High-Altitude Eating (Digestion Post # 2)


Last week's post about flying flatulence got me thinking about a few other important digestion-related issue pertinent to modern air travel. We'll designate this post as "Digestion Post # 2.

So with most airlines cutting out (free) meal service on domestic flights, what's the protocol for bringing food onto an airplane these days?

Since this past summer's airline bomb scare, thankfully, the TSA has issued regulations that pretty much prohibit passengers from bringing any outside grub through an airport's security checkpoint. While the critical reader will quickly see how this decision really benefits the airports (airports rely greatly on concession revenues, which have taken a hit quite badly since 9/11, so this decision also has the effect of requiring passengers who wish to take food onto planes to buy that food from only airport concessions), this also greatly limits passengers' choices for the kinds of foods they can schlep onto airplanes. This is a good thing.

With airplane seats stacked right on top of each other, one cannot avoid the smell or the sight of what someone else--the seat neighbor--eats onboard. Like most other people, I've encountered some pretty uncomfortable situations on airplanes with people bringing strong-smelling or unappealing foods onto airplanes. That just ain't cool, so henceforth, all air passengers are required to follow the Cletis Food Protocol (CFP).

The CFP:

  1. Henceforth, all ethnic foods are prohibited from being carried onboard. For instance, I happen to love eating bagels with lox for breakfast. But in fairness to my neighbors, who may view the eating of smoked salmon for breakfast as absolutely repulsive, I skip the (skeevy) bagel place in the airport, and get something else to eat. Similarly, if you were thinking about stopping at the Panda Express for some spicy prawns, for the love of god, don't do it. Same goes for Indian food (even though I love the smell), Cajun, chili, Wolfgang Puck Express entrees, Thai food, Ethiopian food, cauliflower (I hate the smell), and Kugel in any form.

  2. Food must be time appropriate. If I have to endure another inconsiderate person sitting near me chowing down on a chili dog at 9:30 a.m., I may just yank the life vest from underneath my seat, tie it tightly around my throat, and pull the red tabs. For this reason, from this day forward, if you're going to eat onboard before 11:30 a.m. (based on the time of your DEPARTURE city), it must be traditional breakfast cuisine. McMuffins. Donuts. Bagels (no lox). But don't even think about breaking out that Philly cheesesteak, Double Whopper with cheese, pork rinds, or california roll before 11:30 a.m.

  3. Nothing messy please. It's true that I'm more of a germ freak than your average person. But to protect folks like me (the minority) from the tyranny of you (the majority) on airplanes, my CFP is designed to placate even the greatest germaphobe. Accordingly, messy foods that could splatter, drip, spray, bubble, erupt, flake, splash or otherwise contaminate the autonomous region belonging to your neighbors are strictly prohibited.

  4. Securing drinks in turbulent air. If you have a drink on your tray table and the pilot announces turbulence strong enough for him/her to ask the (snippy) flight attendants to "please be seated," then it is your duty to both sip down your drink to at least the half-full level, AND hold the glass steady until the turbulence ends.



I suspect that I've missed some vital flying food issues in the CFP. Please feel free post comments providing your suggestions, and I'll gladly add them to the CFP.

Happy eating!


# posted by Cletis Walkman @ 12:39 PM
Comments:
Your CFP conflicts with your previous post on flatulence and other seating issues. If I have to endure my neighbor's smelly innards, or their body bulging over on my seat, or their perfume or bad breath wafting over my way, they can deal with the splatter of my curry chicken, the smell of my lox bagel, or even that chili dog. What does it bother you my fruend?
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 2:24 PM
 
Rather than be so picky about your neighbor, why not just pay for a first class ticket and get over yourself. Better yet drive yourself, then you can eat what you want, smell what you want, and not have to listen to your flight neighbor making bodily noises, which often can not be helped when you climb in altitude creating increased gas expansion and you are limited on restroom use. We should all learn to be more tolerent of each other. I myself do not eat breakfast foods, I prefer higher protein meals that are usually consumed after mid-day, that does not make me a freak. The perfect airline food is a bagel with lox, it for the most part is neat and provides the needed protein to endure a long travel day.
# posted by Anonymous Cami : 2:46 PM
 
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